Back on the Chain Gang
Well, that's a bit overly-dramatic...but I am soon about to return back to work after a very leisurely vacation in which I guess I accomplished a lot, but it's amazing how much gets un-accomplished when the children return.
We still have tomorrow together, and the remainder of today. Coley is living in his little imaginary world and Monk is building with k-nex. Later, we will have a swim. It's a mellow Sunday. I am ready to ease back into a rhythm of work and schooling and taking care of things in a more structured way.
I am attempting to establish more balance with the children. Carving out points of the day where I get to be fully alone and they have to deal with unstructured time NOT spent in front of the gaming system. It's hard to resist the temptation to occupy them somehow when I am not directly interacting with them...but I strongly feel that it is so important for them to do these things that they are doing now. Creating, pretending, thinking, being bored and having to find internal stimulus rather than focusing on external stimulus.
It's difficult for me, this parenting thing. I am somewhat of a hermit. I don't like to be disturbed. I get stressed out under the threat of constant interruption. I am not AWFUL. It's not like I never want to hang out with my kiddos. In fact, we spend a fuck of a lot of time together...but I just have a really difficult time drawing and enforcing boundaries that enable me to get the solitude I need while still feeling like I am giving them enough. We work on it constantly. I suppose it's the same for any living arrangement. Only they are children, and by nature they push the boundaries constantly. And, of course, they figured out long ago that the best way to get me to do what they want me to do is the make me feel like I'm not giving them enough. The little smartie pantses! And, considering I got NOTHING (or close to nothing) in the way of meaningful interaction from my mother...it is really difficult for me to figure out how much is actually enough, and what is fair for me to ask for and/or demand.
Anyway, I suppose by the time they are ready to move out, we will have figured it out. They seem a lot more amiable now. I get so tempted sometimes to ask how they experience their father's house...and forcing them to compare. I don't do it, but I would love to hear what he does differently and how they behave. I am told things in bits and pieces, but it is all out of context and I can't really believe much or what they say about it.
I am slowly growing reacclimated to the whole notion that these two small people are reliant on me for survival, and that I not only have to feed and entertain and communicate with them, but I also have to guide and direct them, even when it's awkward or uncomfortable for me to do so.
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Now playing: The Ex - In The Event
via FoxyTunes
