Plans

I am nearing the end of my precious time of solitude, and I have a lot of thoughts about what I need to do from this point forward. Whenever I think about what I want, and feel a strong inclination towards something, I wonder about this inability some people have to know or act upon what they want. For me, the act of writing something down feels like I am exposing myself as a possible hypocrite if I don't follow through or if I change my mind.

The thing is, I think some people get hung up. They think knowing what one wants means knowing all of the whys and hows of achieving it, as well as all of the potential outcomes. Rather than acting, they calculate the odds and worry over strategies. And it's not always the other person they worry about...it's their own shifting desires. What if I want something, start to work towards it, and then change my mind?

I am fortunate enough to be able to, at least somewhat, put those things out of my mind. 90% of the time, I have no clue how I am going to go about getting what I want...nor do I have full confidence in the fact that what I want today is what I will want tomorrow...or weeks, months, or years from now. But I know I am resilient, so I will always recover. I know I am a good person, so if the object of my desire is a person, and those desires change, I will treat that person with the appropriate amount of care and respect. I know I take good care of myself, so I will not desire things to the point of hurting myself over them. Also, I know my priorities...and just because I have to sideline something for a bit to accomplish other goals, it does not mean I am a failure. Well, not usually, anyway.

So, with that preface, and after hours and hours of staring at the walls in luscious  aloneness...here is the list of things I feel like I need to change in my life:

1. Movement - this one appears on all of my lists forever. At this point in my life, I tend to gravitate towards stillness. The kids and I need to move more often.
2. Environment - it really is time for me to work on the physical environment of my immediate surroundings.
3. Intention - More planning is necessary for me to accomplish all of the things I want to do.
4. Alignment - I need to work on aligning my actions with my ideals.
5. Integrity - This goes along with alignment. Too often, I think especially when I am not planning ahead, things get fragmented and I don't accomplish what I set out to accomplish.
6. Constant connection with my creative self, and an outlet for that creation - None of this "the kids interfere with my creative life" bullshit. They need to be included. I have plenty of time to create when they are asleep or I am away from them. I don't need to worry about being time-limited so much.
7. Community - Damnit, as much as I have loved the solitude, I need to be more active in my community...of friends, and on the whole.
8. Education - Both the kids and mine. We need to continue to create opportunities for learning and trying new things...even if we sometimes fail miserably.

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There are actual activities that go with these actions. For one thing, to handle the issues of movement, environment, creativity, community, and education...as well as integrity, I am going to work with the kids to clean up our landscaping and create some nice garden spots in our yard...a little at a time. And document our progress in some sort of creative way as we haphazardly take on this project together.

In terms of community...I have often had the idea that I should start doing my monthly potlucks again. I get so freaked out about large numbers of people in my house, though...so I think I really just need to put forth a good effort towards inviting friends over to make food with me and have more intimate dinner gatherings more often. I have been saying this forever...but I think it's really time for me to make good on it. Sometimes it feels so freaking overwhelming to have to live my life AND to have to socialize with the people who make my life worth living (not to mention possible, because in a lot of cases, these people are providing me with a good bit of support, and they deserve to be catered to on occasion!) If I plan it, I can make it work.

In terms of my personal creative life, I think I am in a good place with that. I have several outlets and a wonderful creative partner who inspires me. I feel very lucky and I have no desire to mess with that other than to just keep things going.

I will be thinking about more of this stuff later...as the day progresses, I will slowly formulate a plan. The kids will be home tonight, all bubbly and no longer tired of their tired old mama, who herself will not be tired to receive them. We will hug and bubble over and read and kiss goodnight, and tomorrow morning, we will embark upon a new season together, with new ideas, new rhythms, new habits and patterns...and renewed love and appreciation for our little life together.

<3

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Now playing: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - Nobody's Baby Now
via FoxyTunes