Single Parenting

I have had a productive few days. Cleaning, creating, thinking about stuff. It's been wonderful and I feel very rested and ready to resume the full-on rush of childrenness in my life that will begin again as of Wednesday night or Thursday morning...I am not sure if we have decided which.

I am thinking, though, that in spite of the fact that all of this solitude has resulted in a great deal of positive productivity on so many levels...perhaps there is a reason why people choose to plan vacations that add stress to their lives rather than sit around the house during their time off. I basically have gone off the stress cold turkey, and now I am looking at welcoming it all back and I'm fucking terrified.

Thankfully I had the foresight to extend my vacation from work to overlap a bit with the return of the children, so we all have time to get acclimated before I have to start doing the whole logistical nightmare part of single parenting.

To top it all off, I have been thinking lately about relationships. About how it wouldn't be so bad to have a man in my life. Maybe. If he was tolerable. But mostly the idea of adding a relationship to the mix just seems like more stress to me, and yet at the same time I feel all of this pressure to try anyway because maybe it might also make things easier, and anyway when I start to get all weepy like I am right now it would be kind of nice to at least be able to call up a romantic interest and say "Hey. I need someone to fucking hold me. Get yr ass over here." (yes, I am All Class.)

I don't fucking know. It pisses me off that I have to choose a romantic partner who is compatible with my life and can somehow serve a utilitarian purpose. It pisses me off that I can't just love who I love without having to worry about the fact that I am overworked and overstressed and could use another set of hands around here. And the idea of finding a partner stresses me out in other ways because I feel like it would jeopardize some very intimate friendships I have that I am just not willing to give up for some man who may or may not stick around.

The thing is that I feel like I have HUGE True Real Love in my life right now. Love that fulfills all of my romantic needs, save the more practical ones. I don't know if it's fair to ask that love to fulfill the more practical needs...it doesn't seem like that's feasible, at least not at this time. And I am too lazy/stubborn/finicky to want to spend time finding anything that compares to that love and also fulfills the other.

So, whatever. The choice is already made, really, by virtue of me not wanting to invest the energy. My kids will come home. I will hug them a lot...maybe stress out a little about not having enough time for everything I want to do. I will find a rhythm and ride it. It's not so bad, really. In a few years, the hardest of the hard work will be over with. I'll survive, and I'll use those frenetic, frustrated bursts of energy to create things that will remind me of my strength when I am feeling weak like I am right now.

For now...I guess I will let myself cry it out a bit. Then I'll get myself up, put on my walking shoes, and wander around the neighborhood listening to music, crying a little, talking into my voice recorder, and enjoying as best I can the waning hours of my vacation from motherhood.