so much to write about, so little time...

My mind is abuzz.

There is work stuff and life stuff and love stuff and art stuff all floating around up there. Crowding and clamoring for attention. Maybe I can attempt to tackle this whole update thing one issue at a time. I keep vowing to make it a practice to create a personal blog post every day, whether it's one sentence or many paragraphs, to just recap my day for anyone who might be interested...but the days keep getting away from me, and then I end up with this whole jumble of updates.

First, I guess, is work stuff. I am teaching a blogging and social media class next week, and I am THRILLED about it. Writing the curriculum (in blog format, of course) is so exciting to me, because so much has changed since the last time I taught a blogging class. Everything is so much less linear now. There's more texture and nuance in social media, more things to hook people with. Every time I think I have made a complete list of all of the special interest social networking sites I can have my class explore, 3-4 new ones pop into my head. I sat in on one of our beginner classes yesterday. They were learning about the internet and people were asking those kind of "what's in it for me, and why should I care about this stuff" questions, and I got totally arm-wavey about exactly why they should care. I love it when our clients look at me like I am Nerd From Outer Space. hahaha. But I play the part so well, you would hardly guess I am just ACTING. :P

So, there is that. And even though there's a lot of stress at work, I feel like I am getting opportunities to grow and experiment, and I'm delighted by it. Along with this blogging class, I am supposed to write a media literacy curriculum of some sort. Just a 3 hour class that introduces the main things everyone needs to know about using the media for participation in social, professional, and political networks...WISELY. This is all very exciting to me.

So, we will see. This next semester at work is going to be rough. I'm glad I am getting to do the fun stuff now...it keeps me from focusing so much on the scary stuff that always comes from working for a non-profit. But, you know, my philosophy of late is "enjoy it while you have it, you will miss it when it's gone." And that's what I try to come back to whenever I'm knocked off balance by something or someone.

Which reminds me that I had another appointment with the kids' therapist yesterday. You know...thankfully I have a good friend who is not afraid to be a total ass to me and let me know with no uncertain terms when I am being avoidant and/or selfish. Between him and the therapist, I can't really hide from my problems...and even though it PISSES ME OFF (hahaha) I'm thankful for it. So I think I actually am going to work on these achievable goals and steps that I worked out yesterday.

My main problem is that I have a difficult time letting people in only part way. I guess I always thought people wanted all or nothing from ME all of the time, but it turns out that I think I generally choose to give all or nothing. I'm going to try this new thing called discretion (as evidenced by the fact that I'm blogging about it in a public space)...but I mean, with specific people in my life (mostly a specific person) I am going to attempt to have a very very casual relationship in which there is no engagement beyond what I am comfortable engaging in. This will make other people who have expectations of me happy, and it will keep me at a safe distance from this person who has been given multiple chances to participate in my life and has failed multiple times at doing so without causing significant damage. I have the next step to take, and I'm biding my time before I take it...but it feels good to have a step. And even though I am LOATHE to thank him for it, I am glad my pesky best friend pushed the issue with me. Fucker! hahaha.

Regarding love and life and art (which, in reality, is kind of all the same thing) I have been compelled to look back at some Kerouac. I need to read _Desolation Angels_ again. It's amazing to me how a book I read when I was 19 can illuminate some of the answers to issues I am facing now. And I HIGHLIGHTED passages. You see, when I was 19-20, a couple of friends of mine and I started a little long-distance book club. It was me and my friend John, who lived with me in chicago, and our mutual friend Christopher from Wichita. We would read a book, highlight the important passages, then pass it on to the next person. I think I still have all of the books. I'm pretty sure we did Birdy, Harold and Maude, The Bell Jar, and I had totally forgotten that we did Desolation Angels...but I think it was just two of us who did that one (we each used a different color highlighter). The passages I highlighted then...mean so much more to me now. I love it when I find those bread crumbs, and I love that who I essentially am has changed so little, even though I think I have evolved much in the ensuing years. At some point, I will post the passages, but suffice to say they are about letting go of things, and not trying to control that which can't ever be controlled. And how love is one of those things. And how much better it feels when I give up control of that...even though it's scary.

So I have been creating and feeling and experiencing with that in mind. And it's good. And even the sadness I sometimes feel...that's love, too, and therefore beyond my control. All I can do is feel it and sit with it and let it go.

I guess I am saying that all in all things are good. I probably could complain. I most likely DO complain...but right now, I see no reason to indulge in complainingness. hood. itude.

I hope you are well.