1 post tagged “benign neglect”

Not the punk band, either.

I sent M off to summer camp today with the carpool, which is graciously covering my carless ass for today and tomorrow to ensure M gets there and back without trouble. It's a day camp, so it's not like I'm sending him off to the wilderness for a week straight, but I am still feeling all verklempt about my baby, because this is the first camp he's gone to that has a lot of kids who are significantly older than he is. We have had several "talks" about this...about what to do when someone asks him to do something he thinks is wrong...you know...reminding him that his instincts about right and wrong are generally very good, and that he can always talk to me if he has questions about stuff people tell him.

At any rate, he had to be up at an ungodly early hour this morning to wait for his carpool, and I woke up with him (ish). He was so excited. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I kept flashing back to swim meet mornings when I was M's age, where I would get myself out of bed, get ready, pack a box of Jello (the sugar crystals were like some sort of faux performance drug for swimmers when I was growing up) and dread the shock of jumping into cold water and the stress of racing anxiety.

I keep wondering if it's normal that, at the age of 8, 9, 10...I don't know when it began, but really young...I was getting myself up and getting myself to either the pool or the friend's house for my ride. I don't remember my mom driving me, nor do I remember her attending any of my meets except maybe the City Meet where I got 4th in the 100-yard breaststroke and my mom brought me a big wad of bubblegum that was shaped like a hamburger (it was so cute, I refused to chew it!) It's one of those things, though...where I just can't look to my own life as a guide for what is normal or right or good in terms of parenting. I just kind of have to make shit up as I go along. And it didn't feel normal or right or good to make M wait outside for his ride alone, so I woke up with him and waiting, sleepily, lying on the couch.

Then again, as soon as he left, I went back to sleep & when I woke up, I found C in front of the television eating some toaster waffles he had prepared on his own. I was amazed that he didn't even try to wake me. Then I left the room and came back 15 minutes later and he had already started on his morning art project without asking for my assistance.

It seems like there is a line between benign neglect and actual neglect, and I am spending my entire life as a mother trying to find that line. I like the idea of my children being self-sufficient and resourceful and not necessarily needing me to facilitate every activity they undertake. At the same time, I remember feeling awfully lonely and unsupported as a child, and that has had some pretty serious repercussions in my adult life. I want my children to know that I am here for them if they need me, and I also want them to gradually earn the art of self-reliance. Hah.

Wow. I think I just figured out why I have such a difficult time asking for help when I need it...why I struggle with NOT being self-reliant. Perhaps, for some, the hardest lesson to learn is NOT self-reliance, but understanding that it's ok to not be able to do it alone. Perhaps, more than worrying that I'm doing too much or too little, what I need to focus on is giving my children the tools they need to communicate when they need help, and to give them space to figure it out on their own when they don't.