10 posts tagged “love”
I have had a productive few days. Cleaning, creating, thinking about stuff. It's been wonderful and I feel very rested and ready to resume the full-on rush of childrenness in my life that will begin again as of Wednesday night or Thursday morning...I am not sure if we have decided which.
I am thinking, though, that in spite of the fact that all of this solitude has resulted in a great deal of positive productivity on so many levels...perhaps there is a reason why people choose to plan vacations that add stress to their lives rather than sit around the house during their time off. I basically have gone off the stress cold turkey, and now I am looking at welcoming it all back and I'm fucking terrified.
Thankfully I had the foresight to extend my vacation from work to overlap a bit with the return of the children, so we all have time to get acclimated before I have to start doing the whole logistical nightmare part of single parenting.
To top it all off, I have been thinking lately about relationships. About how it wouldn't be so bad to have a man in my life. Maybe. If he was tolerable. But mostly the idea of adding a relationship to the mix just seems like more stress to me, and yet at the same time I feel all of this pressure to try anyway because maybe it might also make things easier, and anyway when I start to get all weepy like I am right now it would be kind of nice to at least be able to call up a romantic interest and say "Hey. I need someone to fucking hold me. Get yr ass over here." (yes, I am All Class.)
I don't fucking know. It pisses me off that I have to choose a romantic partner who is compatible with my life and can somehow serve a utilitarian purpose. It pisses me off that I can't just love who I love without having to worry about the fact that I am overworked and overstressed and could use another set of hands around here. And the idea of finding a partner stresses me out in other ways because I feel like it would jeopardize some very intimate friendships I have that I am just not willing to give up for some man who may or may not stick around.
The thing is that I feel like I have HUGE True Real Love in my life right now. Love that fulfills all of my romantic needs, save the more practical ones. I don't know if it's fair to ask that love to fulfill the more practical needs...it doesn't seem like that's feasible, at least not at this time. And I am too lazy/stubborn/finicky to want to spend time finding anything that compares to that love and also fulfills the other.
So, whatever. The choice is already made, really, by virtue of me not wanting to invest the energy. My kids will come home. I will hug them a lot...maybe stress out a little about not having enough time for everything I want to do. I will find a rhythm and ride it. It's not so bad, really. In a few years, the hardest of the hard work will be over with. I'll survive, and I'll use those frenetic, frustrated bursts of energy to create things that will remind me of my strength when I am feeling weak like I am right now.
For now...I guess I will let myself cry it out a bit. Then I'll get myself up, put on my walking shoes, and wander around the neighborhood listening to music, crying a little, talking into my voice recorder, and enjoying as best I can the waning hours of my vacation from motherhood.
it's always amazing how birds cease to sound like birds when they are recorded. Anyway, I did a little voice recording talking about all of the birds I have known in my life. I hope it turns out ok. You know...every day I wake up and am thankful that I have someone...well, several people, actually, your sweet self included...who is so in tune with me artistically that I feel totally comfortable sharing with and creating for and being inspired by. It's wonderful to have that. I always kind of hoped artistic stuff wasn't just a phase in my life...and as I get older, I find out that it's way more important for me to be connected to my creative self than it ever was before. I'm glad it's all around me. I have made some very good choices in my life, and most of them have been the people I have chosen to love.
It's funny. I will have weeks and weeks with my boys, feeling like I have done everything wrong as a parent and I can't possibly keep doing this...and then there is a day like today, when I realize that I have actually somehow managed to give two boys a good start towards leading fully compassionate, empathic lives.
I have had a rough day...a rough weekend, kind of, in ways that are difficult to explain. Just a lot of unpleasant, unwelcome, and unproductive self-examination. The boys were at their dad's all weekend, and when they came home this morning, I just thought "Oh, fuck. I am just not cut out for this job today."
But I did what I know best to do...distract them. Hahaha. I took all of our various portable media devices out with us for an early morning exploration walk, and then we stopped at the park and I tried not to cry my eyes out from exhausted sadness while the neighbor lady played hide and seek with Monk and her kids, and Coley made me various "poisonous" concoctions from sand in the sandbox.
In spite of my gratitude for both of these things, I was still feeling like crap. And, of course, when I feel like crap and I am trying to parent...I feel like double, triple, exponentially compounding crap because, on top of all of the other shit I feel like I am doing a crappy job of, parenting goes to the top of the list because, damn, I just can't get it together to have fun and enjoy my babies for a bit.
Well, I muddled through, trying to be honest with them about how I'm feeling, without putting too much responsibility on them for causing and/or relieving my upset.
There are little snippets throughout the day, though...I know they know when I am down. Coley thrusts plucked wildflowers at me...Monk gives me a rare hug. They argue less...not out of fear, but out of empathy. It's nice. It's really nice.
By story time tonight, I was feeling much better, thanks to a couple of good friends and some time spent at an event that moved me out of my selfish self-pity, as well as viewing an exhibit that inspired me artistically and politically.
We are reading the twits...and we were at the chapter where they Dahl describes Mrs. Twit, thusly:
Coley interrupts me here...he says "Mom, do you ever have ugly thoughts?"
I'm thinking "Good fucking lord, kid...ALL FREAKING DAY! And then some." Because damnit if I'm not worried that if Mr. Dahl is correct, I am about to sprout a couple of disgusting boils on my face. But I respond "Well, honey...I think everyone has bad thoughts sometimes."
Coley examines my face for a minute, and we both turn back to the book. I continue reading:
Cole looks at me again. "Mom," he says. "You must think good thoughts all of the time, because I think you are beautiful."
And this makes me so happy that I forget to point out that this is a rather simplistic way to introduce the complexities of emotional make-up to small children. In fact, I don't point out anything at all. I just smile, hug both of them closer, and continue reading.
Thank fucking maude for my boys, is all I have to say. Thank fucking maude. I am so not worthy of them.
I just saw the best ever Malcolm in the Middle episode. It totally redeemed my faith in TV sitcoms, families, marriage...oh, and the fact that I want to marry HAL!
Part One
On my walk, I was thinking about how funny it is that I can so quickly
lose interest in something. There are things that I have thought of as
ultimate goals or desires, and really all it takes is one
incident...one word, or a lack of words. Some small catalyst can
quickly kill my drive or desire, no matter how strong the drive seemed
to be just moments before.
I can't say the exact moment I lost interest, but I do know it happened quickly. One moment, anything seemed possible...and the next, nothing was desirable. It's not an incredibly happy thought, but for some reason it made me laugh. Perhaps it was nervous laughter. Who knows.
Part Two
I just realized why I laughed...and
here is why: it is NOT at all easy for me to give up. I am ridiculously
persistent to the point of obsessive. I will take a situation and
examine it from every angle. I will see how certain people, projects,
or situations might be able to fit into my life. I will exhaust EVERY
effort to hold on to something that I deem worthy of holding on
to...YET, when I finally reach the point where nothing works...*poof*
it's over. No fanfare. No tears. No regrets. Just over.
I am tempted to say I have wasted years in trying to wrap my life around this situation...but I don't believe in wastes of time. I am just not quite sure what I was supposed to learn from it, and that kind of bothers me. I guess one thing I have learned is that sometimes things DON'T happen for a reason...but is that lesson worthy of the energy invested?
Part Three
Somehow, this song seems fitting...
Funny As In Funny Haha by Smart Went Crazy
The sweet science of being in love
The sweet science of giving up
Did she keep a file of all your lame excuses and vulgar transgressions?
Like the time that you said that you were afraid to confront your fear of confrontation?
A raw deal for your sweet complicit paramour
Someday she'll thank you, of course
That is what deathbeds are for
Now you'll have to dine alone
Part Four
(the hope is silent)
...and so I find myself in the midst of love with no escape and no release. And most days, I like it that way. But some days, the prison of my ribs constricts and pushes - outward and inward at the same time. So full, and yet, so empty my arms. And nothing I can do about it. And nowhere to turn but in circles. Wanting the best for the one I love the most, and knowing that it isn't me.
So, I listen to sad love songs and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.
I might be making
a mistake, but I'm loving
each second of it...
priorities
funny, what I will
settle for. It comes to this:
sex? Or groceries?
unrequited
you get eternal
love, I have to settle for
screaming orgasms.
hahaha. I am having fun with this.
(inspired by smartiekat, composed while hanging laundry, for...)
When you see birds, I
wonder if you think of me.
Love chirps eternal.
I love this man's music almost as much as I love this man.
